Ivan
Peasant
IVAN forever times infinity squared
Posts: 13
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Post by Ivan on Jul 9, 2005 14:40:09 GMT -5
her's a little piece i felt inspired to composilate.
hark, hark. the lion sleeps. the lion eats. the birds...they all is singin. oh little children, all daughters and sons come to the lion who eats all the grass. market to market to buy a fat pig. jiggley jig. they ALL is singin.
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Post by Náriel i Eledhwen on Jul 9, 2005 20:29:23 GMT -5
I'm not sure that I understand the message you're trying to convey. I mean Aslan doesn't sleep does he? "market to market" seems reminscent of "ashes to ashes" in the children's rhyme, yet also of the death of Aslan, taken by the White Witch to be slaughtered, much like a pig taken to market. The birds singing represent Aslan's return right? But I don't understand the line, "come to the lion who eats all the grass."?
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Ivan
Peasant
IVAN forever times infinity squared
Posts: 13
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Post by Ivan on Jul 9, 2005 23:09:03 GMT -5
well, nariel, hizzle manizzle, you gots it down for the most place. i mean it starts with the hark which i guess is like god-given destiny with angels and the like. and the lion sleeps and eats. he is with the people, you know. and the birds they is the people with him. and then you got the slaughter part on the nail head. but as for the grass. it's when they all say oh aslan is the greatest and for me, grass is fo sure. and by eatin the grass, he eats their sin. you know, takes it on. well that's all, yall.
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Post by Náriel i Eledhwen on Jul 9, 2005 23:49:30 GMT -5
I don't know Ivan, I just can't see grass as a representation of sin. I mean the first image my mind conjures up is when Aslan tell Peter that he must always "wipe his sword," which he does on the grass. Symbolic of how we must always resolve things and maintain a clear conscience(sp?) so that we can be clean before Christ, or at any rate as clean as this fallen world permits. I'm not seeing grass in the same light as you Ivan.
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Ivan
Peasant
IVAN forever times infinity squared
Posts: 13
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Post by Ivan on Jul 10, 2005 14:24:38 GMT -5
well maybe you gots to clean your head off.
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Post by Náriel i Eledhwen on Jul 10, 2005 15:14:08 GMT -5
I don't understand Ivan. What did you mean by that^?
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Pip
Squire
Keeper of two Shiny Gold Stars
Posts: 41
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Post by Pip on Jul 10, 2005 18:15:20 GMT -5
Okay, even though I'm insane, I'm a HUGE critic... SOOOOOO..... yeah.
hark, hark. the lion sleeps. the lion eats. the birds...they all is singin. oh little children, all daughters and sons come to the lion who eats all the grass. market to market to buy a fat pig. jiggley jig. they ALL is singin.
They all is singin? You might want to say "They all are singing" Even though that's how you talk/type, you want to add correct English in poems so other people can read it without wondering what's going on... You might want to captitalize letters too.
You have some good lines, but the jiggly jig part makes no sense to me... it sounds like it was just a random word you put in there to rhyme with 'pig'...
So yeah! There's more... but I don't want to tear it apart too much... Heh
But I like the whole analogy of it though ;D
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Post by Náriel i Eledhwen on Jul 10, 2005 18:18:40 GMT -5
Pip, what does "anoligy" mean? analogy? allegory? analysis? I'm guessing its the first one.
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Pip
Squire
Keeper of two Shiny Gold Stars
Posts: 41
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Post by Pip on Jul 10, 2005 18:21:32 GMT -5
LOL... bad spelling... evil me... *fixes*
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Ivan
Peasant
IVAN forever times infinity squared
Posts: 13
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Post by Ivan on Jul 10, 2005 18:28:45 GMT -5
all right, they all is singin. you dissin my friends, yo? i'm tryin to unite two friends togetha, ya know? us and yous who thinks yous all that with your good speechin. but the jiggley jig that's well yous might be right. i just thought it sounded good. it just felt right in my heart. thanks for your criticizes.
IVAN (in THe HoUSE)
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Pip
Squire
Keeper of two Shiny Gold Stars
Posts: 41
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Post by Pip on Jul 10, 2005 19:09:01 GMT -5
I'm not saying I don't like how you talk, it's just that it's hard for other people to try and understand and to read. You'd be a wonderful poet if you just thought over your poems a bit more and did a bit better speech patterns it'd be good. Yup... Squee
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Post by masteroliver on Jul 20, 2005 2:16:24 GMT -5
You might be too big of a gangsta' for me...I'm voting: Kitchen Cabinet
And, seeing my luck, it didn't work. Ivan, I too would suggest that you adopt a more formal speech pattern if you are going to be writing poetry.
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Post by Náriel i Eledhwen on Jul 20, 2005 12:16:36 GMT -5
you guys seriously can't glean from Ivan's poem what I did? I thought it was pretty clear except for the grass part, which despite Ivan's explanation I still don't get.
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Pip
Squire
Keeper of two Shiny Gold Stars
Posts: 41
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Post by Pip on Jul 24, 2005 14:26:31 GMT -5
No.. I can't.. I'm not a big poetry person, I just read the poetry to see if it rhymes.. I never even look behind the words... shallow me.. Meep.
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